Coping Well

Susan and Neil were in a self-help group for parents of brain damaged children. Their eight-year-old son Jack had recently survived an accident in which he was knocked off his bike while riding to school. He was now severely brain damaged. Susan and Neil were both the least educated and sophisticated parents in the group, but their intuitive wisdom and insight were remarkable. While the other parents were understandably suffering obvious and varying degrees of distress, anguish and desperation, Susan and Neil calmly talked about Jack’s rehabilitation and how they would manage when he came home from hospital.

After a few sessions, other parents were beginning to wonder whether their apparent calmness was in fact a denial of the seriousness of Jack’s disabilities. In one particularly difficult session another parent accused them of being heartless as they appeared to be coping so much better than the other parents.

At this attack, quietly with tears in his eyes, Neil explained that they were grieving deeply for the loss of Jack who they felt had ‘died’ on the day of the accident. They regarded the Jack they now had as being ‘born’ on that day, and that this new son was someone they had to get to know and love. To help themselves, the family had held a very private memorial service for Jack ‘One’ so that they could move on to loving Jack ‘Two’.

Initially the other parents were shocked by Susan and Neil’s way of coping, but over the next few weeks they all said their own anguish had become more manageable as soon as they had accepted that the child they had known had ‘died’, and that a disabled twin had been ‘born’.

Some people seem to know the trick of keeping an appropriate perspective and deliberately choosing the easiest and most expedient way of dealing with things. People who cope well don’t create anguish within themselves by distorting the size of the problem or by fighting it. They simply acknowledge its existence and put their energy into finding a solution.