This blog will hopefully inspire you, warm your heart, make you smile and feel positive.

Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

Actual Quotes From English Exam Essays

exam

  1. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
  3. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  5. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
  6. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  7. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
  8. Her vocabulary was as bad as, kind a’ like, sorta, whatever.
  9. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  10. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  11. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
  12. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  13. Tom and May had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  14. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  15. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
  16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
  17. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
  19. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.
  20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

Old Johnny

Little Johnny finally grows old and becomes Old Johnny. He is now 80 years old and having difficulties in memorizing things. Today, Old Johnny played Bridge with his other 3 old friends. After a while, one of his friends had the urge to go to the bathroom. But when his friend finished using the bathroom, he forgot the Bridge game and went home. Old Johnny and his other 2 friends waited for long time and decided to find their friend. But they forgot who their friend was.

Today, Old Johnny visited his brother and found that his brother was staying in the bathtub and having a cold shower . Old Johnny said, “It’s insane! Why are you having a cold shower in winter?” His brother replied, “There are some cold and flu tablets that will be expired soon.”

Old Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. His wife asked, “Did you have a nightmare?” Old Johnny replied, “Yes, I dreamed that I re-married again.” His wife said, “Then you should be happy, you always say you want to marry another woman.” Old Johnny said, “Yes, but when I lifted the bride’s veil, I saw it’s you again!” Pak! A slap in the face.

Whiskey and Worms

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his fifth-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door-nail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.

Little Johnny, who sits in the back, raised his hand and responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms?”

Random Shower Thoughts

t1t2t3t4

Ring the Bell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest decides to help. The priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

The child looks over his shoulder and smiles at the priest. “Thank you father,” he says. “Now we run!”

Best Divorce Letter

divorce

Dear X,

I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I decided to tell you we need to part ways. Although I was a great husband to you for the past 7 years, you never showed me your love. I’ve been feeling miserable, especially the past 2 weeks. The last nail in the coffin was struck today, when your boss called me that you quit your job. Also, you didn’t even notice my new haircut last week, I tried to get your attention by cooking your favorite meal and I even bought a new pair of boxers, which weren’t cheap. You didn’t even turn to me, just ate quickly and went to watch your soap operas. You don’t even tell me you love me anymore. I suspect you’re cheating, or you simply don’t love me. I don’t care anymore, I’m leaving you.

P.S. I’m in a relationship with your sister now, and we’re going to live in West Virginia, so don’t try to find me anymore. I hope u have an amazing life!

Your now Ex-Husband

Dear Y,

I’ve had luck lately, but nothing made me happier than your letter. We’ve been married for 7 years and you were a good husband, however not as you used to be. I’m watching those soap operas because I’m choked by your constant nagging, but they don’t help much. And yes, I noticed your haircut last week, but you looked so ridiculous I didn’t want to say anything. Also, pork is my sister’s favorite meal, not mine, I stopped eating it almost 7 years ago, so you probably confused me. Oh, and she borrowed $50 from me the same day you wore those $49.99 boxers, so I knew what’s up.

However, knowing all this, I still loved you and wanted to make things work. So, I quit my job just because I won a 10-million lottery, and wanted to surprise you with two tickets to a holiday in Jamaica, but you weren’t here when I got home. Also, thanks a lot for the letter, since my lawyer said it’s an evidence and you won’t get $1 from those money. So, I hope you have an amazing life as well!

Your now Ex-Wife, richer than ever!

P.S. I think it’s a shame you will hear it from me, but my sister Carla is actually a male-to-female transgender named Carl. I hope it won’t affect your beautiful relationship!

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

marines

A farm kid joins the Marines and writes the following letter home.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice