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Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

If You Are the One

A British guy participated in the hit Chinese dating show, “If You Are the One”. The format of the show is copied from the British dating show “Take Me Out”. The Chinese version is in your face about money; male contestants will frequently show off their bank statements and luxury cars in an effort to earn the interest from a parade of 24 women, who will either pass on them by turning off their lights or compete for a date.

First question: “Are you the only son?”

The guy answered, “No, I have an elder brother who was married.”

(A few lights turned off.)

“Do you own a house?”

“Yes, but it’s an old house from last century.”

(A few more lights turned off.)

“Where will you live after married?”

“Live with grandma, dad, step-mum, brother and sister-in-law.”

(More lights turned off.)

“What is your occupation?”

“I’m a soldier.”

(More lights turned off.)

“What is your father’s job?”

“My father does not have a job.”

(Now, only one light was still on.)

The woman with her light on asked, “Will you hire a limousine for wedding?”

“Well, my grandma will probably not allow it. We normally use a horse drawn carriage for wedding. Do you like horse drawn carriage?”

The woman snorted, “I’d rather cry in the back of a limousine!”

All the lights were off now.

The British guy was embarrassed and left the show with tears.

Next day, the headline of Times:

“Prince Harry Got Eliminated in the First Round of Chinese Dating Show”

Many years later, Prince Harry got married to an American actress.

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Good Judgment

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character. That man is his lawyer.”

Hindersight

A sixty-year old woman went up a mountain that any novice skier should have avoided. No one would have blamed her had she stayed behind. At twelve below zero, hardly a day for snow skiing, but her husband insisted. So she went.

While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in need of a restroom. Assured there would be one at the top of the lift, she and her bladder endured the bouncy ride, only to find there was no facility. She began to panic. Her husband had an idea: Why not go into the woods? Since she was wearing an all-white outfit, she’d blend in with the snow.

So she skied past the tree line and arranged her ski suit at half-mast. Fortunately, no one could see her. Unfortunately, her husband hadn’t told her to remove her skis. She was then streaking backwards across the slope, revealing more of herself than she ever intended. With arms flailing and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she’d just ridden and collided with a pylon.

As she scrambled to cover the essentials, she discovered her arm was broken. Fortunately her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital.

While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was carried in and placed next to her. By now she’d regained her composure enough to make small talk. “So, how’d you break your leg?”

“It was the strangest thing you ever saw,” he explained. “I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly there was this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I couldn’t believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

Then he turned to her and asked, “So, how’d you break your arm?”

Ice Cream and Bacon and Eggs

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No I can remember it.”

“Well I’d like some strawberries on top, too. May be you should write it down, so not to forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it for goodness sake!”

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. “I know you forget it. Where’s my toast?”

New Restaurant

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know … the one that’s red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

15 Two-Line Jokes

jokes.jpg

  1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
    It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  2. My wife accused me of being immature.
    I told her to get out of my fort.
  3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
    Then they call me ugly and poor.
  4. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
  5. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
    You have my Word.
  6. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A pool table.
  7. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
    He yells, “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
  8. Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism.
  9. Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don’t work.
  10. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag.
    You can hide but you can’t run.
  11. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
    If anything, it made him more sluggish.
  12. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
    But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
  13. Someone stole my mood ring.
    I don’t know how I feel about that.
  14. The first rule of Alzheimer’s club –
    don’t talk about chess club.
  15. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

A Bridge to Hawaii

bridge

A man was walking along a beach in California was deep in prayer. Suddenly, he said out loud: “God, grant me one wish.”

The sunny sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said: “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said: “Build a bridge to Hawaii, 3000 miles long, so I can drive there any time I want.”

God replied: “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports and the material required to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said: “God, I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied: “You want two or four lanes on that bridge?”