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Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

Workplace Small Talks

“Married people are happier. Like our manager, he looks happy every day.”
“He only looks happy at work.”

“Why not you just walk faster?”
“You know, we need to waste as much time as possible here.”

“When do you want this done?”
“Yesterday, you are actually late already.”

“How many issues did you find from testing?”
“Just one, the thing cannot be powered on.”

“Why the internet in the office is so slow?”
“I think it exceeds the download limit and is throttled to a lower speed.”

“I assume your productivity is doubled as compared with others.”
“But my pay does not reflect that.”

“Why are you just staring at your monitor and doing nothing?”
“You are talking to my avatar and my body is sleeping at home.”

“Did you integrate your component into our system and do the test?”
“No.”
“Then how do you know your component works?”
“It works, if not, it’s your system’s problems.”

“Did you fix the crashing of the software?”
“Yes, it now restarts automatically when crashes and nobody will aware.”

I once chatted with my HR manager in the kitchen while I was washing my cup:
Me: Do you know one of our team members got the swine flu and his whole family needs to be quarantined for 2 weeks?
Her: No, that’s horrible. Are you close to him?
Me: Oh, he drove me to the train station the last day he’s here. You know, he coughed like he’s going to died inside the car.
There was a moment of silence. I turned and she had gone already.

Finally, an email from my boss:
Hi Guys,
For those of you that don’t know I will be on leave tomorrow, I will be on leave tomorrow.

– Originally published in July 2012

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10 Funny Comics

c1

We’ve all been there. We want a late night snack, but no matter how much stuff we have in the fridge, nothing sounds good. How are we supposed to make a choice when there’s too many options!

c2

That sums it up just about as good as anything. Heaven is beautiful and everyone gets their own harp. Hell is terrible and everyone is playing accordions. Well, message received. I’ll be good, I promise!

c3

Yeah, Sylvia, take a risk for once in your life. He seems nice! Let’s just pick him up and see what happens.

c4

Admit it, you’ve been there too. You see a sign that says you can’t do something and it just makes you want to do it even more!

c5

Hey, when you’re a small business owner you gotta get the word out any way you can. And if that means you have to invest in a few bricks so be it! Well played, Al. I’m sure your business will pick up in no time.

c6

I don’t think that’s a cloud bank. Stupid pilots, you might want to pull up now!

c7

You know what they say, the fastest way to a fish’s heart is through his stomach! His wife has clearly had enough and wants him gone. She sure is a clever one!

c8

I think there’s a reason these guys were in jail in the first place. They’re pretty dumb! And clearly very bad at making a foolproof plan.

c9

It wasn’t an asteroid that took out the dinosaurs. They were just all smokers! If you start smoking, you’ll end up just like the dinosaurs. Extinct!

c10

What’s the worst that could happen? It’s just a short elevator ride. It’s not like there’s anything that could startle him in the next thirty seconds.

Einstein vs Mr. Bean

albert_einstein

Einstein met Mr. Bean one day.

Einstein: I will give you a question, and you will give a question to me as well. If you can’t answer my question, you just give me $1, and if I can’t answer your question, I will give you $1000.

Mr. Bean: OK.

Einstein then gave Mr. Bean a hard question. Mr. Bean then gave $1 to Einstein.

Einstein: OK, your turn.

Mr. Bean: What is an animal that has 4 legs, and when crossing a street he only have 2 legs, and when he go back, he have 5 legs?

Einstein: (Thinking very hard for long time) I give up, I can’t answer that.

Einstein then gave Mr. Bean $1000.

Einstein: By the way, what exactly the animal is?

Mr. Bean then gave Einstein $1.

Diary

diary

The homework for the class is to submit a short diary to the teacher. Little Johnny submitted his diary:

30-Feb Sunny
The sun did not come out the whole day. Dad bought two goldfishes and I put them into the tank. One of them drowned. I feel very upset.

His teacher’s comments:

I also feel very upset. I never know February has a 30th. I never know a sunny day that the sun didn’t come out. And I never know a goldfish can be drowned!

– Originally published in May, 2012

Interview Jokes

interview

Interviewer: We need someone responsible for the job.
Candidate: Your search ends here! In my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

Interviewer: Tell me a joke.
Candidate: Uh, OK … You and your manager walk into a bar. Your manager fires you for not coming up with more insightful ways to assess cultural fit, and for picking candidates who make you laugh over the ones who are best qualified for the job. Your manager leaves you sobbing at the bar. You get violently drunk and then die a few hours later from alcohol poisoning.
Interviewer: … Huh?
Candidate: Just kidding! I thought I’d try an anti-joke. How’d I do?

Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think that honesty is a weakness.
Candidate: I don’t give a damn what you think.

Interviewer: Tell me a joke.
Candidate: So there’s an opening for an awesome position, and the interviewer is asking the applicants to tell a joke. One of the applicants tells them a meta-joke about the situation, and is instantly hired. You know why?
Interviewer: Why?
Candidate: Well, you should know why.

Just Enough

home

Today is my teacher’s birthday, and for her present I’m staying home.

The mother catechized her young son just before the arrival of the music teacher.

“Have you washed your hands very carefully?”

“Yes, mother.”

“And have you washed your face thoroughly?”

“Yes, mother.”

“And were you particular to wash behind your ears?”

“On her side I did, mother.”

Relationship Jokes

love

Ruth met her husband while she was working in a science library. Her husband came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through Ruth’s desk. Ruth asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps Ruth used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped her hand. Across Ruth’s knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”

Anne and Hans met online and they’d been dating for over a year. Anne introduced Hans to her uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that they met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick Anne up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular ADSL2+ broadband.”

About a year had passed since Pat’s amicable divorce, and she decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, she thought she’d scan the personals column of the local newspaper. She came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, she was checking her answering machine and discovered a message from her ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”

Every Valentine’s Day the campus newspaper has a section for student messages. This year Scott surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, his girlfriend leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie – What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”