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Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

Relationship Jokes

love

Ruth met her husband while she was working in a science library. Her husband came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through Ruth’s desk. Ruth asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps Ruth used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped her hand. Across Ruth’s knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”

Anne and Hans met online and they’d been dating for over a year. Anne introduced Hans to her uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that they met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick Anne up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular ADSL2+ broadband.”

About a year had passed since Pat’s amicable divorce, and she decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, she thought she’d scan the personals column of the local newspaper. She came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, she was checking her answering machine and discovered a message from her ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”

Every Valentine’s Day the campus newspaper has a section for student messages. This year Scott surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, his girlfriend leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie – What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”

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Road Jokes

speeding

A state trooper had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand printed sign which read, “Radar Trap Ahead”. The officer also found the boy’s friend down the road with a sign that read, “Tips” and a bucket of money.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $500 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of a $500 note. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

A woman got pulled over for speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Woman: Can’t do that either.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

The Officer looked at the woman, slowly backed away and called for back-up. Within minutes, another police car roared up to the site. A Senior Officer stepped out and approached the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.

Senior Officer: Ma’am, can you step out of your vehicle please?
The woman stepped out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem, Sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.
Woman: Kidnapped the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, can you open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opened the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: Is this your car, Ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Senior Officer was stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claimed that you don’t have a driver’s license.
The woman dig into her handbag, pulled out a license and handed it to the Senior Officer, who examined it. He looked puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you Ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
Woman: I bet he also lied about I was speeding too.

Old Lady Driver

oldlady

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder.” So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed that there were 5 old ladies – 2 in front and 3 in the back, eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly – 22 miles an hour!” the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask – is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asked.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Obsessed With Statistics

stats

John lives his life by statistics and is afraid to fly. One day his friend, Bill, asked him, “Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?”

“Irrational?” John replied, “Not at all. I’ve merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it’s much too high for my comfort.”

A few days later, Bill boarded a flight and was surprised to find John sitting in the seat right next to him.

“What happened? Have the odds changed?”

“No,” John replied. “The odds of a bomb being on a plane haven’t changed. But I calculated the odds of two bombs being on a plane at the same time is much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own.”

First-Grade Proverbs

A first grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

quiz

If You Are the One

A British guy participated in the hit Chinese dating show, “If You Are the One”. The format of the show is copied from the British dating show “Take Me Out”. The Chinese version is in your face about money; male contestants will frequently show off their bank statements and luxury cars in an effort to earn the interest from a parade of 24 women, who will either pass on them by turning off their lights or compete for a date.

First question: “Are you the only son?”

The guy answered, “No, I have an elder brother who was married.”

(A few lights turned off.)

“Do you own a house?”

“Yes, but it’s an old house from last century.”

(A few more lights turned off.)

“Where will you live after married?”

“Live with grandma, dad, step-mum, brother and sister-in-law.”

(More lights turned off.)

“What is your occupation?”

“I’m a soldier.”

(More lights turned off.)

“What is your father’s job?”

“My father does not have a job.”

(Now, only one light was still on.)

The woman with her light on asked, “Will you hire a limousine for wedding?”

“Well, my grandma will probably not allow it. We normally use a horse drawn carriage for wedding. Do you like horse drawn carriage?”

The woman snorted, “I’d rather cry in the back of a limousine!”

All the lights were off now.

The British guy was embarrassed and left the show with tears.

Next day, the headline of Times:

“Prince Harry Got Eliminated in the First Round of Chinese Dating Show”

Many years later, Prince Harry got married to an American actress.

Good Judgment

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character. That man is his lawyer.”