This blog will hopefully inspire you, warm your heart, make you smile and feel positive.

Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

Ring the Bell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest decides to help. The priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

The child looks over his shoulder and smiles at the priest. “Thank you father,” he says. “Now we run!”

Best Divorce Letter

divorce

Dear X,

I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I decided to tell you we need to part ways. Although I was a great husband to you for the past 7 years, you never showed me your love. I’ve been feeling miserable, especially the past 2 weeks. The last nail in the coffin was struck today, when your boss called me that you quit your job. Also, you didn’t even notice my new haircut last week, I tried to get your attention by cooking your favorite meal and I even bought a new pair of boxers, which weren’t cheap. You didn’t even turn to me, just ate quickly and went to watch your soap operas. You don’t even tell me you love me anymore. I suspect you’re cheating, or you simply don’t love me. I don’t care anymore, I’m leaving you.

P.S. I’m in a relationship with your sister now, and we’re going to live in West Virginia, so don’t try to find me anymore. I hope u have an amazing life!

Your now Ex-Husband

Dear Y,

I’ve had luck lately, but nothing made me happier than your letter. We’ve been married for 7 years and you were a good husband, however not as you used to be. I’m watching those soap operas because I’m choked by your constant nagging, but they don’t help much. And yes, I noticed your haircut last week, but you looked so ridiculous I didn’t want to say anything. Also, pork is my sister’s favorite meal, not mine, I stopped eating it almost 7 years ago, so you probably confused me. Oh, and she borrowed $50 from me the same day you wore those $49.99 boxers, so I knew what’s up.

However, knowing all this, I still loved you and wanted to make things work. So, I quit my job just because I won a 10-million lottery, and wanted to surprise you with two tickets to a holiday in Jamaica, but you weren’t here when I got home. Also, thanks a lot for the letter, since my lawyer said it’s an evidence and you won’t get $1 from those money. So, I hope you have an amazing life as well!

Your now Ex-Wife, richer than ever!

P.S. I think it’s a shame you will hear it from me, but my sister Carla is actually a male-to-female transgender named Carl. I hope it won’t affect your beautiful relationship!

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

marines

A farm kid joins the Marines and writes the following letter home.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks

helicopter

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.

And every year Ken would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, “Edna, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Edna replied, “Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!” He continued, “But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word …

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Ken replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out. But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

Behavior of the Kids

The kid is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”

“But everyone pees in the pool,” said the kid.

“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”

Two kids were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

“What’s it for?” one asked.

“I don’t know,” the other replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”

An Honest Lawyer

A lawyer named Bill Strange decided he would pre-plan his funeral. He was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone-cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” Bill responded.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stone-cutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘Here lies an honest lawyer’. ”

“But how do people know it’s me?” Bill protested.

“It most certainly will,” retorted the stone-cutter. “People will read it and exclaim, ‘That’s Strange!’ “

Social Network

The Boss sent a SMS to his secretary:
“Let’s go to Beijing and spend the weekend there.”

The Secretary called her husband:
“I need to attend a business conference with my boss in Beijing this weekend.”

The Husband called his lover:
“My wife won’t be home this weekend. You may come over.”

The Lover sent an email to her student:
“The tuition class this weekend is cancelled due to personal reason.”

The Student called his dad:
“Dad, my tuition class is cancelled this weekend. Please bring me to Disney World.”

The Dad sent another SMS to the secretary:
“Can’t make the trip this weekend; need to take my son to Disney World.”

The Secretary called her husband:
“My boss is suddenly not available; I don’t need to go to Beijing this weekend.”

The Husband called his lover:
“My wife’s trip is cancelled this weekend; wait for next time.”

The Lover sent an email to her student:
“The tuition class this weekend will be resumed as normal.”

The Student called his dad:
“Too bad the tuition class is resumed as normal this weekend.”

The Boss:
“Don’t …”