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Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

A Bridge to Hawaii

bridge

A man was walking along a beach in California was deep in prayer. Suddenly, he said out loud: “God, grant me one wish.”

The sunny sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said: “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said: “Build a bridge to Hawaii, 3000 miles long, so I can drive there any time I want.”

God replied: “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports and the material required to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said: “God, I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied: “You want two or four lanes on that bridge?”

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A Call from Daddy

phone

The phone was ringing and the little girl answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy said, “But honey, you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now.”

Brief pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled up.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?”

“Well, Mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all.”

“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead!”

Really long pause.

Then Daddy said, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?”

Jealous Husband

jealous

Husband: Where are you?
Wife: At home.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (Turns blender on) Reeereeeereeee …
Husband: Ok my love, goodbye.

Another day …

Husband: Where are you?
Wife: At home.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (Turns blender on) Reeereeeereeee …
Husband: Ok my love, goodbye.

Next day …

The next day, the husband decided to go home without notice and found his son alone. He asked his son, “Where is your mother?”

Son: I don’t know, she went out with the blender.

Actual Quotes From English Exam Essays

exam

  1. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
  3. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  5. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
  6. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  7. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
  8. Her vocabulary was as bad as, kind a’ like, sorta, whatever.
  9. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  10. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  11. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
  12. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  13. Tom and May had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  14. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  15. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
  16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
  17. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
  19. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.
  20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

Old Johnny

Little Johnny finally grows old and becomes Old Johnny. He is now 80 years old and having difficulties in memorizing things. Today, Old Johnny played Bridge with his other 3 old friends. After a while, one of his friends had the urge to go to the bathroom. But when his friend finished using the bathroom, he forgot the Bridge game and went home. Old Johnny and his other 2 friends waited for long time and decided to find their friend. But they forgot who their friend was.

Today, Old Johnny visited his brother and found that his brother was staying in the bathtub and having a cold shower . Old Johnny said, “It’s insane! Why are you having a cold shower in winter?” His brother replied, “There are some cold and flu tablets that will be expired soon.”

Old Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. His wife asked, “Did you have a nightmare?” Old Johnny replied, “Yes, I dreamed that I re-married again.” His wife said, “Then you should be happy, you always say you want to marry another woman.” Old Johnny said, “Yes, but when I lifted the bride’s veil, I saw it’s you again!” Pak! A slap in the face.

Whiskey and Worms

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his fifth-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door-nail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.

Little Johnny, who sits in the back, raised his hand and responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms?”

Random Shower Thoughts

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