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Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

Diary

diary

The homework for the class is to submit a short diary to the teacher. Little Johnny submitted his diary:

30-Feb Sunny
The sun did not come out the whole day. Dad bought two goldfishes and I put them into the tank. One of them drowned. I feel very upset.

His teacher’s comments:

I also feel very upset. I never know February has a 30th. I never know a sunny day that the sun didn’t come out. And I never know a goldfish can be drowned!

– Originally published in May, 2012

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Interview Jokes

interview

Interviewer: We need someone responsible for the job.
Candidate: Your search ends here! In my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

Interviewer: Tell me a joke.
Candidate: Uh, OK … You and your manager walk into a bar. Your manager fires you for not coming up with more insightful ways to assess cultural fit, and for picking candidates who make you laugh over the ones who are best qualified for the job. Your manager leaves you sobbing at the bar. You get violently drunk and then die a few hours later from alcohol poisoning.
Interviewer: … Huh?
Candidate: Just kidding! I thought I’d try an anti-joke. How’d I do?

Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think that honesty is a weakness.
Candidate: I don’t give a damn what you think.

Interviewer: Tell me a joke.
Candidate: So there’s an opening for an awesome position, and the interviewer is asking the applicants to tell a joke. One of the applicants tells them a meta-joke about the situation, and is instantly hired. You know why?
Interviewer: Why?
Candidate: Well, you should know why.

Just Enough

home

Today is my teacher’s birthday, and for her present I’m staying home.

The mother catechized her young son just before the arrival of the music teacher.

“Have you washed your hands very carefully?”

“Yes, mother.”

“And have you washed your face thoroughly?”

“Yes, mother.”

“And were you particular to wash behind your ears?”

“On her side I did, mother.”

Relationship Jokes

love

Ruth met her husband while she was working in a science library. Her husband came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through Ruth’s desk. Ruth asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps Ruth used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped her hand. Across Ruth’s knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”

Anne and Hans met online and they’d been dating for over a year. Anne introduced Hans to her uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that they met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick Anne up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular ADSL2+ broadband.”

About a year had passed since Pat’s amicable divorce, and she decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, she thought she’d scan the personals column of the local newspaper. She came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, she was checking her answering machine and discovered a message from her ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”

Every Valentine’s Day the campus newspaper has a section for student messages. This year Scott surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, his girlfriend leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie – What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”

Road Jokes

speeding

A state trooper had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand printed sign which read, “Radar Trap Ahead”. The officer also found the boy’s friend down the road with a sign that read, “Tips” and a bucket of money.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $500 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of a $500 note. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

A woman got pulled over for speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Woman: Can’t do that either.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

The Officer looked at the woman, slowly backed away and called for back-up. Within minutes, another police car roared up to the site. A Senior Officer stepped out and approached the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.

Senior Officer: Ma’am, can you step out of your vehicle please?
The woman stepped out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem, Sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.
Woman: Kidnapped the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, can you open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opened the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: Is this your car, Ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Senior Officer was stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claimed that you don’t have a driver’s license.
The woman dig into her handbag, pulled out a license and handed it to the Senior Officer, who examined it. He looked puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you Ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
Woman: I bet he also lied about I was speeding too.

Old Lady Driver

oldlady

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder.” So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed that there were 5 old ladies – 2 in front and 3 in the back, eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly – 22 miles an hour!” the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask – is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asked.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Obsessed With Statistics

stats

John lives his life by statistics and is afraid to fly. One day his friend, Bill, asked him, “Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?”

“Irrational?” John replied, “Not at all. I’ve merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it’s much too high for my comfort.”

A few days later, Bill boarded a flight and was surprised to find John sitting in the seat right next to him.

“What happened? Have the odds changed?”

“No,” John replied. “The odds of a bomb being on a plane haven’t changed. But I calculated the odds of two bombs being on a plane at the same time is much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own.”