- Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
- Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
- What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
- Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
- What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
- A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
- Want to hear a word I just made up?
- Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
- To the handicapped guy who stole my bag.
You can hide but you can’t run.
- I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
- And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
- Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
- The first rule of Alzheimer’s club –
don’t talk about chess club.
- Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.